Losing a Baby

I sit here in my bed in tears over the loss of a baby. Noah Lambert passed away and though I did not know him or his mother in real life my heart aches for them.

Courtney is a member of LammyTown, an internet birth club I am a member of. It started as a simple idea, women whose babies we due June 1st through 10th, but it grew beyond control - not in size but in closeness. The women on this board make me laugh on a daily basis. We share our little ones' achievements, pictures, frustrations with our husbands and in laws, our real life drama. The women of LammyTown give each other unflinching support. And today we step up and give support for the most heartbreaking event of any life.

Little Noah was 4 months old, just a month older than James. The feelings his mother must be having . . . I can't even imagine. I have checked on both of my babies twice since I found out and I all I want to do is watch them sleep.

I am writing this to try to wrap my head around such a tragic event and the strength of Courtney. I cannot imagine going on without James or Amelia, they feel like they have always been a part of me. My thoughts will be with the family and I hope that in reading this you will stop and give silent support to this family is such a heartbreaking time.

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Losing Weight - Week 9

Down 2 pounds this week for a total of 30.4!

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Losing Self Respect

Not me, don't worry. I am actually gaining it every day. Today I gained a little by running a mile in 12 minutes, a new record for the current me.

What I am referring to is something else entirely. Think of the blog "People of Walmart". We have all seen it, or similar. We have all seen the people that make us say to ourselves, "ehugh" (and that is a word specially coined by me). So my question is when do you lose so much self respect the you just don't care.

Or is the problem that these people don't know? Do they think that skin tight clothes on a 350 lb frame is attractive? Do the not feel the urge to pull up their pants when half their ass is hanging out? What is it about people that makes them, for lack of a better word, trashy?

Example, and I am going to be intentionally vague here - I saw a heavy lady in not skin tight but tight clothes the other day. Not a big deal in itself but her shirt kept riding up expsoing about 4 inches of skin. Now if this ever happened to me you can bet your ass that my first reaction would be pulling the shirt down and the second would be a mental note to never wear the shirt again! But this lady didn't immediately pull her shirt down, she just let her belly hang out for a while. So is it that she just has given up caring about her appearence, she doesn't realize that her shirt has come up, or she knows but likes the flaunt her stuff?

Always a question on my mind and thought I would share. When do you just stop caring?

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Losing Weight - Week 8

OK I am a day late but I lost .4 pounds. I REALLY need to get back on track, especially with the in laws coming in for a month and a 5k in less than 2 weeks! The gym tomorrow will tell me a lot about where I am but the way I figure it I will need to run a LOT the next two weeks.

My sister in law just left but left behind lots of bad food. Ugh! I haven't logged my calories in so many days. And I just keep giving in to the snacking. But like I said, back on track tomorrow.

I am kind of worried though because my back has been hurting. I hope that starting back at the gym only helps and doesn't cause my body to go into resistance like it usually does - or maybe that is just an excuse I have used throughout the years to be lazy.

What I really want is a way to trigger the belly fat for weight loss. I would be about 700 time happier with my body if I didn't have such a huge belly hanging out. It makes pants fit funny. I went shooping this weekend and I found that one size fits all the way up until I have to button them, the I need the next size up but the legs are too big. It is so frustrating. I did finally find a pair that aren't too terrible but I just want to be able to go into the Gap or Express and buy a nice pair of pants.

On the plus side I was able to buy nursing bras at Target so obviously my boobs have shrunk! Let me tell you if I come out of this nursing thing able to fit back in Victoria's Secret I am going on a shopping spree and I don't Chuck will mind because really I will be buying sexy new bras and the girls will be his again :)

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Losing Me

I don't know if there ever really was a "me" but I am feeling more and more out of touch with the non-mommy part of my life. Most poignant after James, I just have less and less time for me. I guess this blog is "me" at least the writing part of me, but it doesn't feel like it since a lot of times it is about my kids.

I was thinking earlier today what I did and who I was before kids. I didn't really have a career or job that I loved, I wasn't part of clubs, I haven't played any sports in forever. So what makes me me? And how do I go about establishing me as an individual when I have no time and two kids always in tow?

I could start with my likes - photography, travel, golf, softball, skiing/snowboarding. I would love to play golf again but who do I go with and when? Chuck would need to watch the kids and James is still breastfeeding so I would be lucky to get in 9 holes before I have to feed him again, or I need to start pumping. But who do I go with? None of my friends golf.

I would love to join like a town softball league but again, when do I find the time? Chuck's work schedule is too crazy to be able to expect him home on a regular basis and if he was then he would be putting the kids to bed a couple times a night by himself - which don't necessarily think is a bad thing, just a thing. And how do I go about finding a team?

It is just so hard to find time to do anything just for me. I do go to the gym because they have babysitting but other than that it is basically me and my kids all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I would like to be able to do something for myself, or have something to add to a conversation that isn't about children.

I guess soon enough they will be grown up and I will miss this part.

Losing Weight - Week 7

I am down another 1.4 pounds which makes a total of 28 pounds from my heaviest and 7 pounds from the start of this blog! I am hoping that next week will mark the change from obese to simply overweight.

This coming week also is the start of training for a 5k in 24 days time. I decided I needed some motivation. I am pretty much jogging a 5k already, or at least I was 2 weeks ago - I really need to get back to the gym! - but I need to get faster. I would like to be able to finish it under 40 minutes, and ideally under 30 but I am starting slow.

This means I will need to add outdoor running at home between gym visits. But hopefully this also means so good toning and weight loss.

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Losing Weight - Week 6 Official

So the official 10 day weigh in report is down 3.2 pounds or something! Yee ha. The best part is some runs outside (did I mention that hills suck?) and surviving Maine without gaining. Now I just have to survive the rest of this week (haven't been super but not too bad) and get back to the gym. I just signed Amelia up for a Little Gym class on Wednesday so now our weeks will be Monday and Tuesday at the gym, Wednesday the the Little Gym, Thursday with Auntie Eve, and Friday will be our fun morning day.

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