Losing Me

I don't know if there ever really was a "me" but I am feeling more and more out of touch with the non-mommy part of my life. Most poignant after James, I just have less and less time for me. I guess this blog is "me" at least the writing part of me, but it doesn't feel like it since a lot of times it is about my kids.

I was thinking earlier today what I did and who I was before kids. I didn't really have a career or job that I loved, I wasn't part of clubs, I haven't played any sports in forever. So what makes me me? And how do I go about establishing me as an individual when I have no time and two kids always in tow?

I could start with my likes - photography, travel, golf, softball, skiing/snowboarding. I would love to play golf again but who do I go with and when? Chuck would need to watch the kids and James is still breastfeeding so I would be lucky to get in 9 holes before I have to feed him again, or I need to start pumping. But who do I go with? None of my friends golf.

I would love to join like a town softball league but again, when do I find the time? Chuck's work schedule is too crazy to be able to expect him home on a regular basis and if he was then he would be putting the kids to bed a couple times a night by himself - which don't necessarily think is a bad thing, just a thing. And how do I go about finding a team?

It is just so hard to find time to do anything just for me. I do go to the gym because they have babysitting but other than that it is basically me and my kids all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I would like to be able to do something for myself, or have something to add to a conversation that isn't about children.

I guess soon enough they will be grown up and I will miss this part.